Sometimes I am amazed at how MUCH my boys already love each other. There is no one on the face of this earth who can make Landon laugh harder, or smile bigger than his big brother Colin. Not even his Mommy or Daddy. I’ve even found myself feeling little twinges of jealousy before and it’s just so strange! I want to make him smile like that or laugh like that! Before Landon was born, I really struggled with the idea of having him. I was so worried that Colin would feel as if we were replacing him, or that maybe he wasn’t good enough because we were bringing another little guy home. I hurt for the time and attention that would be diverted to this new little being that was coming here and it would forever change the nature of the relationship that I had with Colin. He was my “boy”, my buddy, my side-kick! How would things be when this needy, infant made his appearance and I had to nurse him every 2 to 3 hours, change 20 million diapers and rock him to sleep?? Do all of these things that would take away from the time that only WE used to share together? A good cyber-buddy of mine sent me this amazing little story, and even though it didn’t totally relieve me of the guilt that I was feeling, it helped me to realize that things were going to be okay:
I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder, how could I love another child as I love you?
Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch as the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before.
I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me" and I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't", knowing in fact that I never can again. You cry, I cry with you.I almost see our baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never have again.
But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him -- as though I am betraying you.But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.
More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just us two. There are new times -- only now we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.
I watch how he adores you, as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you, only differently.
And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply.
I love you both and I thank you both for blessing my life.
I see it now. I think I get it. When Colin says to me, “Mommy, I don’t want Landon to take a nap, I want him to stay down here and play with me!” When Landon looks over the stairs as we’re coming down from his room, desperately trying to spot his brother and immediately upon seeing him, he releases a squeal of delight and the biggest grin you’ve ever seen spreads across his face….I realize that the two of them have something so special, and so wonderful, that I never could have DREAMED of before Landon arrived. I’m so, SO, happy that my boys love each other. I hope and pray that their relationship continues to grow and flourish throughout the years. There is something so comforting in knowing that even when my Husband and I aren’t here for them one day, they will be here for each other. It’s true; a brother is a friend provided by God. Thank you God!!!