Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Has it really been a year???

I am sitting here trying to digest the fact that my youngest son, my baby, my "stinkerbug", my Landon....will be a year old a week from tomorrow. Gosh...it went by so quickly. Even today my little man actually pitched a real FIT when I took something away from him that he wasn't supposed to have. ( I didn't think a D size battery was an apporopriate toy for my little guy!) I will attribute that to the excellent teaching of my 3 and a half year old (Landon is a very fast learner!)

It's amazing the "rock" and "hard place" that I, and probably ANY mother at all, find myself in. I look forward to the milestones... sleeping through the night, rolling over, sitting up, sleeping through the night, the pincher grip, the first solid foods, sleeping through the night, crawling, pulling up...Oh, and did I mention sleeping through the night?? (Landon chose NOT to do this until he was a full 10 months old.) Yet, I cling SO unbelievably tightly to that sweet, cuddly, "baby-ness" that only exists when I child is under a year of age. I will miss SO much the snuggles. I think the absolute sweetest feeling in the world, is to have your newborn fall soundly asleep on your chest. I actually cried when I realized that Landon was too big to do that anymore. Those sweet and quirkly little "jerks" that babies make to sounds in the environment. Reflexes that disappear in mere months. Those amazing little smiles and giggles that babies who are even too young to smile make, as your holding them lovingly in your arms. Maybe this is why I haven't *pushed* to wean Landon from nursing. When I look down at him...I still see that 8 pound 4 ounce baby that we welcomed to the world almost a year ago. It's gone far to quickly for my taste.

I'm afraid that I pushed forward too aggressively. Did I miss much as I looked for the next milestone? Did I miss much as I yearned for adult company, rather than that of my child/children? Did I wallow in what I felt was a pit of lonely, misery and miss the sweet, innocent and fleeting company of my baby? I hope not. I have very sweet memories...but I do have difficult ones. MOST of which are directly related to him not having slept through the night for 10 months, but really....even some of those late night feedings and wakings were sweet. Just me and my baby. I'll never forget the night I tried to let him cry it out (LOADS of fun, let me tell ya!), and when I finally gave up and walked in to his room, he was standing at the side of crib and said, "mama". My heart melted and boy did that "mommy guilt" kick in!

I think Landon is probably our last. It's hard to type that. I will miss my baby, just like I miss Colin as a baby. I hear there is so much to look forward to though. I just need to remind myself to live in the HERE and NOW. I want to remember these days sweetly, and more importantly, I want my kids to as well.

Happy Birthday my little man!!! You are a blessing, and there are many days that I don't feel worthy to be you or Colin's Mommy. Sometimes I can get so caught up in my "stuff", that I don't step back and look at how lucky I really am. I'm doing the best I can kiddos. Never doubt how much your Mommy loves you....always!

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