Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Metamorphosis

I am constantly in awe of how things change.

I look at my life now, compared to where I was 4 years ago, and I am amazed at how naive I feel I once was.

I look at my boys, and I'm shocked at how much I love them. How fiercly I would protect them from harm, from hurt, from anything that might tarnish their sweet, clear eyed view of our world.

I look at this world, and wonder if I've done the right thing bringing my boys in to it. In a way, I feel that my desire...my "need" to have children, over-rode my knowledge of the world that I destined them to be a part of. A world that will most likely let them down in some way, shape, or form.

I look at my Husband and my marriage. I remember how "easy" it once was. I remember people telling us that, "marriage is work", and thinking to myself, "nah..this is easy! We love each other and THAT is what matters".

It used to be easy.

I hate that I took those easy times for granted.

I see now, what people meant by, "marriage is work".

In the day to day grind of work, kids, bills, grocery trips, laundry, and all of the countless tasks that equal our lives....it seems like we've lost each other.

I don't mean that I love my Husband any less. Not at all. I just mean that, the ease with which we used to love each other, just isn't there any more.

We have to work to spend time together. We have to work to communicate. Hell, we even have to pay someone (a babysitter that is) so that we can have some alone time where we're not either asleep, or just dog-tired and cleaning up someone else's mess so we can then go to bed and go BACK to sleep.

I wish it could be easy again.

I miss my Husband. I miss my best friend that I married six and a half years ago.

I love my boys, and I would never change the fact that they are here, but I'm just trying to figure out how all of this works.

Is there ever enough time or energy for everyone? I want to be the best Mom I can be, but I also know that part of that includes being the best wife, partner, and LORI that I can be.

Why is it that so many Moms (and hey...probably even Dad's) sacrifice themselves for their children?

The reason that my children are here in the first place is because my Husband and I loved each other first. It kills me to think that in caring for them...in loving them....I'm losing or hurting the very reason that they exist. Something, someone, that I love very much, but I barely feel I know or can connect to anymore.

We go through our lives and take care of our priorities, but it seems WE, just aren't a priority anymore.

If anyone out there has it figured out. Please let me know.

It just seems like the cruelest of ironies.

6 comments:

Your Husband said...

As I sit here at work reading your blog, trying not to weep, I realize more how it is now and how it once was. I love you and miss you too. I commit my life to make sure you don't second-guess our decision 6 years ago. - Kelly

andria said...

Aww....your husband comments, how sweet. Mine just lurks.

Ditto all you just said. I think it's par for the course. I hear it gets better once the kids go to school.

Anonymous said...

I don't have it figured out, heck I haven't even had to deal with that issue yet. But, as you have stated here, I think you have the beginnings of it figured out. You have acknowledged it at the very least, and that is half the battle.

I think the more of an effort to stay connected, the better off you will be, and it sounds like the two of you are doing a good job at that.

(((HUGS)))

Mike said...

Oh, love this post. Best.

No advice here. I just tell myself that everything will be fine. And it will be.

Self-fulfilling policy, they call it.

Mike
http://somethingaboutparenting.typepad.com/

BethGo said...

Lori-
You are not alone. I started one post to you on this and it got so long I decided to put it in my own blog.
Yes, marriage is work and sometimes, it's hard work. Kids do complicate things.
But really, would you want it any other way?
Dates are expensive with babysitters-we're in the same boat with no family around, but it really is the key to keeping things together. It sounds like you guys need time away for a little smooching. :)
I don't really have any answers for you do I?
I haven't figured it out either.

OneHungMan said...

OneHung feels you described exactly why he's a child of the 80s. Back then, he was just a dumbass teenager and everything was so easy.

Nowadays, life just gets harder and harder.